how to survive PMS (a handbook for the lover’s of women)

*and this post is not for the women having it*

if you are a person loving or living with a woman between the ages of about 13 to 50 chances are you know that one week out of the month that you consider hell week.

and when i say hell week i mean your life becomes a living hell because the otherwise sane or pleasingly saccharine woman you live with morphs into a hell beast, the most heinous snarling bitch you have ever encountered with no attempts to control her wildly raging emotions; and what’s more, after tracing you off in public because you dared walk to close to her and she was “dying from heat”, she breaks down into tears and expects you to comfort her.

Let me say up front, if you have survived a woman on her period, you should get some kind of reward.  However, even if you read this blog and agree, never suggest this to the woman whose period you have survived. it WILL NOT go over well. chuckle and move on.

Now, there are a few things you should know in order to make it through with your body parts and relationship intact

1) she is not herself, she is within the clutches of her hormones. for the sake of better understanding imagine her hormones are pitchfork armed demons and she is set upon from all sides struggling for her life. dramatic…yes. but accurate

2) it is not her fault, she is not faking it and yes, it does hurt that much. Now, i am ask skeptical about the woman worker who is so overcome by ‘bad feelings’ that she can barely raise her head from the desk much less offer service to anyone as the next person. In my mind, that smaddy just want attention ‘cus if yu sick so why yu come work? you are not a martyr. call and say you can’t come. But the pain and discomfort associated with a period is quite real and the woman you love is probably living with a combination of nausea, abdominal cramps (imagine if your belly bottom just start hurt you in pulsing waves), back pain, upper leg pain, diarrhea, migraines, vomiting, and a feeling of depression so severe it can only be counteracted by chocolate and lots and lots of really soft cotton <–we will discuss these further.

3) if she didn’t have to be this way, she wouldn’t

4) your very existence may currently be pissing her off

5) if you leave her alone it will piss her off more and hurt her

6) it will be over in a few days and no you’re not allowed to hide until its over, it comes with the package.

now that we have accepted that she may feel like she’s losing her mind<–certainly for the first three days, but in the case of some people for the two weeks leading up to and the week of the period…yes two weeks before and the week of the period, that’s three weeks. makes your woman seem like a cake walk doesn’t it?

now let us see what can be done to alleviate the mania

1)chocolate. lots of it. if she doesn’t eat chocolate please investigate her favourite, usually fattening foods, and have them at the ready. if she’s body conscious and you don’t want the diatribe after about how much weight she’s gained, i suggest you try chocolate pudding snacks. they’re about 100 calories a pop. she could eat a pack and still have only consumed about one hershey bar. HOWEVER, do not say “hey babe, i got you these ‘cus i know you don’t wanna get fat”.  through the filter of her hormones all she will hear is ‘hey fatty bum bum oink oink oink’ and then the sale of black fabric will spike in your community. say something like….’hey baby’ *rubs back* “how are the cramps’ *kiss on cheek* ‘ i got something new for you to try, some chocolate pudding, can’t have my baby unhealthy ‘cus her period’s attacking’ *talks to stomach* ‘you hear me period, don’t make me whoop your ass’

hopefully at this bit of tomfoolery she will laugh

if she’s not a super dieter then just get her the hersheys

2) cheese cake.

3) soft things, fluffy pillows, cotton sheets, just arrange them and let her plop down in them

4)back rubs and belly rubs

5) flowers <–if you do not know her favourite flower feel free to go ahead and skip this one. at this particular time of the month sending roses to a woman who hates them could be the end of you. She’s not letting anything slide.

6) chick flicks. even the most gangsta of women will be moved by some pinky-peachy bit of fluff, it will allow her to do the one thing she’s been wanting to do since her period started…cry.

7) pay attention, yes, this is a time for hyper vigilance. be very aware of her and what she says and does and needs because after all…she’s bleeding! don’t simper and hang on to her but just be kind.

some of these tips may not apply directly to the woman you love, but use it as a loose guideline. fill in the blank spaces with things specific to her. if in reading this you realise you actually don’t know anything about her it’s probably too late for you, unless you’re within the first three months of being around her.

if you follow this guide, in about 5 days you’ll be in the clear and if you’re dating her, you’ll probably be forever known as the world’s greatest. at least in this regard. me cyaan help yu wid yu odda foolishness

good luck!

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2 Replies to “how to survive PMS (a handbook for the lover’s of women)”

  1. i find that arguing/disagreeing with women during the delicate period is futile and often dangerous…even if your point can be proven with hard facts, just leave it alone…acquiesce and move on

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