Rihonce vs Ciara queen of the damned

a me one see di big twitter drama between Ciara and Rihanna wah day yah

i did not blog about it then because

a) i had other things to do like eat dinner and wash my feet and go to bed

and

b) well everybody else was and me nuh like follow crowd

but I couldn’t just let it pass

In case you were busy having a real life and missed it here’s how it went

Ciara and her yaki made an appearance on Fashion Police (yes when i heard she was appearing i thought they had arrested her as well, but she was there to offer up judgment like all the rest. Apparently they are friendly even with repeat offenders) and she mentioned that she had interacted with Rihanna recently and that Rihanna was a lot nicer when she started out.  <–ok. who really finds that hard to believe? but i digress.

Rihanna apparently picked up the comment and responded by asking Ciara if she forgot to tip her. Apparently Ciara is now the hired help. Ciara got up in arms and mentioned that Rihanna wouldn’t want to buck her up on or off the stage. Rihanna made some comment about good luck booking that stage. And eventually they got bored of it, Ciara deleted her tweets (the newest trend, either that or tracing somebody dog rotten and claiming your account was hacked<–side eye) and Rihanna went to bring rainbow joy to the kids with her bloody head wrap otherwise called her hair.

Now, what dawned on me is this conversation would have gone very differently if it had been Jamaican artists.

It would have gone like this

Rihanna- What Ciara did i forget to tip you?

Ciara- gyal nuh mek me buck yu outta road, as a matter of fact, me tek it back, caw we know if it was a bucking competition yu win long distance before it even start

Rihanna: a who yu a stop wid, a walk up and down pon red carpet a look like zena warrior princess. a wah dem sittn deh roun yu neck? look like tina turner inna thunderdome.

Ciara: gwaan wrenk wid me and see if me nuh flex one leg muscle and kick yu go back a Barbados go sell a road side weh yu woulda deh if Jay-Z never sorry fi yu. See some flying fish yah, go mek a start fi yuself.

*yes, it woulda gwaan so because Jamaican people could give a good God damn about some PR or public image and furthermore if an artist should lose a tracing match them liable fi lose more fans than if they were to find some politically correct way to back out of it, we are not all Beyonce. And we have seen Mr. Vegas’ twitter shennanigans. We DON”T delete* onwards

Rihanna: Gweh, i bet yu wish i woulda sorry fi yu an mek yu come  wid me pon tour.

Ciara: but I wouldn’t even know if it was you. It could be a shaved billy goat wid a red wig for all the singing you do. Yu know, me know know why Chris lick yu (yes in Jamaica we are not particular about what part of your past we dip into). As a matter of fact him never lick yu, a yu forehead attack di bwoy, thru di car glass. poor ting.

at this point twitter would have officially crashed and several high school skirmishes would have taken place in support of the artists

they would return to their regularly scheduled programming of eating stew peas and rice or yatties and coconut water <–yes every artist a rasta now, yu never know?

and tomorrow somebody’s baby mother would put them in the Star and it would all be forgotten.

i love Jamaica

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2 Replies to “Rihonce vs Ciara queen of the damned”

  1. Hello, mi nuh like how Ciara win inna the hypothetical tracing match enuh. U know that it easy fi tell Ciara say she tough, all she did affi do fi look like man in har video was fi cane row har hair. Cum man, nuh badda stop di tracing, mi a enjoy it.

    1. hhhaaaaaaahaaaa
      no man yu see now
      a ciara woulda haffi win inna da version yah enuh
      caw a rhanna start gwaan like a batty cratches
      and we want the public to understand that batty cratches never win

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