the facebook guide to stalking and relationship management

* I wrote this back in 2009 and since then facebook has changed like 11 times meaning some of these may not apply anymore, but enjoy nonetheless*
1) Like or comment on everything the person does, posts, writes etc. That way if anybody else comments you get a pretty little notification delivered hot and fresh to your inbox. Its really like your personal alarm system for covert monitoring.

2)Friends lists are your friend. Its hard to keep track of the object of your affection when all these unimportant people are clogging up your newsfeed. so, build a smaller friends list including your nearest and dearest and your ‘true love’ and disable updates from everyone else, that way you don’t have to worry that he/she did something that got lost in all the farmville and youtube congestion, because its only the things that matter that are coming across your desktop

3) multiple windows are a way of life. yes i said it. any true stalker knows that one facebook window is not enough. there should be two open simultaneously. one for the rest of facebook and one so you can look at your honey.

4) sometimes in order to properly execute facebook stalking, we have to take it, briefly, to the real world. A person is far more likely to accept a random friend request if they have made eye contact with you more than two times in public. so, if you want an all access, unregulated , 24 hour pass to their life and living on facebook, you gotta look ’em in the face at least twice in real life. get to looking!

5) Correlation is key. Don’t just look at the postings on your honey’s wall, check the wall to wall to get to tha truth! If you’re not friends with the other person and can’t get to their wall, this is where your acting skills will have to shine. you have to pretend you’re not a psycho long enough to get them to accept your add. it may be too late for some of you, but nothing beats a trial but a failure

6) all notes your boo is tagged in, is a note about him/her. never mind that there are 14 other people tagged and the writer referred to one of them by name in the note, its all code. that person is trying to steal what’s yours.

7)Don’t just look at the person’s profile pics, look at the pictures of the person added by others. This will give you access to the person at events that you don’t/didn’t attend and give you a heads up about who where you can go to accidentally bump into them. also you can get some perspective on the fashion faux pas/bad hair day situation (which may come in handy when you want to get over the crush). Also its great for seeing who he/she may be crushing on/secretly involved with and also an idea of what type of person he/she is attracted to so you can make an informed decision about whether you should give up the chase or lose 50 pounds and grow locks quick fast and in a hurry

8) Honesty box is a dress rehearsal for the real thing. Its anonymous and its not like he/she can see your hand writing so feel free to confess it all repeatedly you can’t say you never told ’em

9) it is your privilege, nay right, to be tagged first in any and all taggable facebook communication. failure to do is punishable by snark and proof of a wandering mind

10) at the bottom of each person’s facebook page, or sometimes at the top, there will be a log of their recent activity. this is your chance to let your detective skills shine! do not be mislead by foolery about “6 similar stories” you want to see those stories, how else will you know if they’ve commented under every single picture in someone’s album and may be effecting the same stalking as you!?

11) you want to look at every album in detail, often there are pics from childhood which may make you want to take your womb/semen away from this human. very useful when the ‘abandon ship’ urge comes over you and you want to run away

© 2009


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