things that are guaranteed to make a vagina go dry

picture it if you will

a text conversation

yes, text, not IM, or BB, good old fashioned pay by the message text

it’s a little flirty, both people saw each other recently and the oil may be a bubbling

so right off the bat everybody knows the aim of this conversation is to tell each other how cute you are and move one step closer to the sex.

you’ve settled in, propped up on your pillows, legs bent, ready to type the night away.

The first text : it was good to see you, you looked cute. I like your glasses 😛 <–because in flirty texts, emoticons are key

The response: thanks, you too. I like your…everything

—-yes things are goin well. the sex may be had within the week—-

The second text: *blush* stop it….well, my everything likes your everything 🙂 <—once again, emoticon use

The response: well, why don’t you bring your everything closer to my everything so we can do something

—oh this is epic, the sex may be had within the next 48 hours, perhaps some emergency shaving should occur—

The third text: well, maybe that could be arranged, what do you have in mind

The response: Please credit me 25JMD. You may transfer funds from your account using Credit U (*128#), or buy a voucher and add credit using Top U Up (*125) at any time.

——–draws dry————

——–shop LOCK———–

——–pad lock put on and shop owner gone fi a long drive like Alfre Woodard inna di family that preys——-

now, i am an equal opportunity defender. I am not saying, a man should not ask for credit. Women do it, men do too. Granted, I hate when women do it, and when men do it unless they are my family members or friends.

But…in the middle of looking someone, if the credit runs out, either run out and buy some or go silent and claim something went wrong with the phone in the morning.

Believe me, you will shave a full 5 days off the get the draws time if 15 minutes elaps and you come back with ‘sorry credit ran out had to go get some on the road’

unbeknownst to you she will be in the room gushing to herself, or perhaps to some friend, about how sweet you were to get up in the middle of the night to buy credit.

and at the start of the next texting session, she may send you a $100 top up just to be nice

so let’s review

thats hot monkey lovin’ and credit in one go.

what could be better than that

BUT

I REPEAT

if you are sweet talking a woman and send a please credit me, is automatic condemnation to never hearing from her again, or…worse…the friend zone

don’t

ever

ever ever ever ever do it. Don’t even think it. If you have done it slap yourself three times and allow the reality of why that one just didn’t work out to sink in.

HOWEVER.

Here’s the flip side.

if you send the please credit me, and she does credit you…she is quite literally buying your texts. Which means she probably has shaved already and you may be comin over tonight

it’s a brave option, and not to be attempted by people who don’t have a 12 inch myth circulating or the rumoured ability to write the alphabet with their tongue without their jaw seizing up.

ya dig?

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