every now and again, when they least expect it, a human will be overcome by a desire to love and be loved. the need to share and be shared with. to understand and be understood. for a hand to fill all the small spaces of your own.
Having experienced this feeling many, many times over I have come to realise something, the desire overcomes me, most often, at a time when I am at a mental low, and tired of digging myself out of the doldrums. The love I desire, is not really for the sake of being loved or loving, but to have someone to share my burden. To make me feel better, often by making me feel better about myself. to kiss my pointy little head and massage my webbed feet and tell me i am beautiful and that all the things that are wrong with my life are not my fault and they love me , not despite, but because of my flaws <–highly unlikely son.
It’s like i’m an endorphin junkie and the latest love of my life would be my pusher.
But since I am moving ever closer to being a grown ass woman, I had to stop and evaluate this tendency…albeit an uncomfortable experience.
And in the end i realised (or accepted what i had known all along) that it makes no sense.
Wanting to be in love because you are lonely or sad or any of the many versions of unhappy/discontent we may feel, will not turn out well in the long run.
I know it may be hard to accept. We know what being in love feels like, it’s AWESOME (at least for the first three months when we still haven’t started to act like ourselves and fart and belch and all the rest)
and it would seem that the sensible way to stop feeling bad would be to engage in something that makes us feel…good.
but it’s not like eating chocolate or taking a hit of extasy.
being in love is a two person job, and anything you’re lacking when you come in, will eventually become something you’re lacking while you’re in it. And more times than not, the thing you’re lacking is something your partner will need.
If you get into the relationship because you’re unhappy….what happens when the heady euphoria wears off and you return to something like a regular life? Both of you realise you can’t keep sneaking away from work to go to the beach, your partner doesn’t have the budget to send you flowers twice a week, or take you to dinner three times a week. or their work becomes demanding and you’re left on your own more and more. Not that they’re not trying, but sometimes there just isn’t time.
What happens then?
Your demons come visiting. They find you and attack you when your partner isn’t there to stave them off with soft kisses and whispered words. And the funk you were in before you fell in love, comes back with a vengeance.
But it’s different this time, now you have a target, an easy scape goat for all your displeasure…and they’re right there, or rather, not there. they’re working late.
enter the semi-cute whining about the fact that you miss them, coupled with the pouting
a week passes.
the sadness remains
enter the not so direct cussing about the fact that they’re gone
another week passes
YOUR sadness (that you had when you entered the relationship) sticks with you like a dear friend
enter the repeated all out arguments about how your partner has changed since you just got together. You probably accuse them of pretending to be something they’re not to win you over. You may even accuse them of cheating on you. The fact that deep down inside you know you are being wretched and unfair, will make you even more certain that they are cheating. You probably believe you have driven them to it, but you will not accept that. No, you will block out that thought by saying ‘they shoulda been there for me!’
the feeling of discontent is now the centre point of your life and your love life is in pieces.
Possibly, especially if your partner does not have the awareness/patience to see through the drama to the truth of what’s bothering you, the relationship will end.
you will be unhappy for a while <–but you’ll blame that on the recent failure of your relationship
you will be balanced for a while<–well less unhappy at least
and eventually you will be sad again <—and you will tell yourself it is because you are lonely
But the truth is, you are just unhappy.
and you carried it with you into your relationship. The same thing. Just under a new heading.
and it’s still with you now.
So, it doesn’t work. Seeking love to make yourself feel better, will not work in the long run.
Yes, we all know the person, who was so displeased with their life, until they met the love of their life and it was all roses and white bunnies after that.
But do you really know? Do you know what the inside of that relationship looks like? What kind of pressure was the partner under? Is it that the partner saved them from themselves? Or did they, while in the relationship, do the work they had to do on themselves?
The truth is, no one can save you. And you cannot save anyone. The most we can do is use our patience to provide a safe space for a person to do the work only they can do.
And suppose your person isn’t that patient?
And what of the ill feelings the patient person must swallow while you do this work?
Might it not be better to…be better before entering the relationship?
In seeking love as a means of making your life better, the thing you must consider is this: will this feeling I am having now be projected unto this person I love? And do I want to do that to them?
This is by no means to say you should not seek love, or put it off. Every day is a day to love and be loved.
What I am saying, is seek your own happiness. Inside and outside of any relationship. Seek to understand the things that are making you feel sad. The things from the past. The negative ways of thinking you carry with you. Put them into a box and stare them down, and realise that they are irrelevant now.
The things your parents did to you, are just YOUR issues now, and you better give them a rest
The things people said about you, are just words, unless you choose to make them anything else
yes, them bun yu.
The bun you received and gave, are just infidelities of your past. It may so happen that you end up with a cheat again. Leave, and let your life continue.
All these things that may be making you unhappy…bad job, hate your body, hate your apartment…all of them
are just things that surround you. They are not you. And beyond them….there is happiness.
Seek that. Seek your own happiness. Not your own lover to make you happy. Because when they leave, or stop talking, all these things you haven’t conquered will remain.
because only you can fight them
love is lovely
but it is only love
it can neither solve anything nor make anything worse.
only a person can do that. and only for yourself.