things that disturb me: unruly ‘headlights’

yu ever a walk down the road and fi no reason whatsoever yu nipple dem start point?

fine

maybe there is a reason

a cold breeze

some memory of some sort

most likely yu hand bag strap pull cross di front a yu shirt and mek some friction

or yu just adjust di blouse and likkle rub up gwaan

either way whatever is causing this two gun salute is not related to any of the cretins on the road side

but yet

the whole bag a them feel seh it must be them bringing joy to yu life and a mek yu feel good like halle berry inna monsters ball

now

i put it to you

does a face full of green and gold teeth…gold at the top green at the gumline

and a mesh merino weh well waan wash

jeans weh dutty til dem come een like dem starch <–yes dem can stand up pon dem own

and a verdant body odour (read GREEN)

spell sex machine to anyone?

hmmm

anyone?

i know not for me

but i’m just trying to figure out who is the one woman who is giving this man/men/stereotype the impression that he is attractive and could elicit anything in the same parish as stimulation in a woman

she out deh enuh

this one woman

a she a mek it hard fi we

and then you have to wait for the inevitable

‘bwoy baby…

(as he moves closer and begins to speak in a mock whisper loud enough for the people on the other side of the parking lot to hear)

yu titty dem look nice enuh

(why, thank you, they were just feeling a little under appreciated. i keep them under this blouse because i want to draw attention to them)

-this is where it really gets gross-

by now he is right up on you in all his fetid glory, and is probably attempting to touch you in some way. most likely in the small of your back or to grab hold of a hand. you can smell his excitement at the  thought of fondling you and now you have to decide if you’re just going to cut and run or try to coyly shake it off (since there’s always an audience to consider) or take a detour….if you can take one, sometimes the only way through is walking by this person. sigh

and then it happens

he utters the magic words

‘if you was my ooman me wouldn’t stop put dem inna me mout’ and suck them and mmm mmm mmm mm’ <–yes, now he  is making sound effects and  working up his mouth, eyes closed in mock delight, miming what he will do to your chest while working his hands like a child with a bag juice

and somehow…this is supposed to turn me on and entice me to peel of clothes and let him have a tit for old time’s sake

or better yet, the expectation of this delight was what made the girls stand up in the first place….

*eternal sighness*

may i add, that if you are me, the ladies are not equally yoked, and one will start some drama without the other’s knowledge or approval, so now, not only am i waiting for this beautiful nightmare to unfold, i’m having to find a cool way to cover up one side of my chest to hide the fact that i’m lopsided

hey men, that whole getting an erection in class thing, we can’t relate in the strictest sense of the term, but we can relate

and i bet you this, never in a million years would the ugly girl in the class think you intended it as a compliment

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