dear government of jamaica/jamaica constabulary

***after writing this post it came to my attention that apparently you can pay for your application at any tax office and get finger printed and make applications at Summit Police Station in St. James (thats the one on sunset blvd heading out towards the airport if like me you had no idea where that was), May Pen Police Station in Clarendon and Pompano Bay Police Station in St. Mary.

This tasty tidbit was hiding in some obscure update on a website

however, since i called the people and they notified me that getting it done at one of these outposts will still take twice as long as going directly to Kingston, my post below still stands. Fooliniss all around and me nuh tek back nuh chat. After di rest a Jamaica a nuh Kingston step cousin. Rubbish!  But in the interest of fairness I had to update the info, and also in case anybody looking for info on how to apply comes to this page***

i will say this only once

(actually given the consistency of the foolishness GOJ keeps up, i may say this many times, but anywhoo)

Jamaica, is not Kingston and Kingston is not the sum total of Jamaica. Yes, i realise that because of your inability to properly allocate resources across a relatively small country, we have ended up in a precarious situation where half of the country’s population is squashed into two of its smaller parishes.

Yes, i know, kingston dwellers have adapted to this quite like the blind fish of green grotto caves. They have somehow convinced themselves that around the clock traffic and failing drainage systems equate to being the new yorkers of the caribbean  and revel in living in a tenement bustling metropolis #noshade to the Kingstonians, i’m just sayin’, over crowding is a problem and it shouldn’t be this way

as i was saying

somehow it has not yet dawned on the powers that be that perhaps they should begin to cater to the other parishes (fine, i understand, give them a police station and a hospital and let them fend for themselves) but what about the entire half of the island that is under served? if not by parish or by county, could we get some assistance by east and west?

So i need to get a police record because i am a jamaican and attempting to go to somebody else’s country and that alone sends up more red flags than all the world cup’s gone by. Of course they want to know everything i’ve done since birth, statistics show i’m probably a marijuana addicted stabber


in order to get this police record do you know what i have to do?

i have to visit the ministry of national security (mid town Kingston)

then the records unit (downtown Kingston)

then go back from whence i came and then return to Kingston to pick it up

so that’s about 16 hours of driving to get this done not excluding the time spent in traffic on kingston’s wild and woolly streets

now..the western side of Jamaica, is not a new thing. it didn’t just pop up from mars, it’s been here since the eastern side of jamaica, and at no point did any of it sink and resurrect. people live there and we know people live there and the people that live there travel and apply for various things and need work permits. there wasn’t any ban on traveling from the west so westerners getting these types of records can’t be a new concern.

in fact, someone down here has found a way to kind of address it- last resort detective agency <–a name that may imply more about the agency than the service it offers, i really feel they should consider rebranding

yes, last resort….for $1000 on top of the real cost, will afford you the luxury of getting your police record without leaving the west. the downside is you have to add a week to the regular processing time, i imagine that’s in case their linky on the inside is on leave or something and can’t bandooloo the thing proper. who knows

the thing is they came up with this idea before it dawned on the government that such a facility is needed


fine, i get it, for security purposes or whatever there is one agency? location? branch? that is in charge of record keeping for the country. fine

but is not like the applicant is going to search out their own records personally? is not like i going into the vault or wherever so why do i need to appear in person?

you will allow me to be fingerprinted at whatever station is closest to my home and trust that they can do so properly, so why do i then physically have to come in to you for the other stuff?

seems just as i get printed at the station, i could submit the application there too

but fine, if even not at every station, is it so hard to have one place on the western side of the country, perhaps in, oh i dunno THE SECOND CITY where they can double check your documents take your finger prints and send your application through to the central office? me nah even ask fi yu set up anything more than a processing plant.



nobaddy nuh feel so?

so instead every body mus leff weh dem live fi drive go a kingston (LIKE KINGSTON A RASS HOLE MECCA)

fi get this thing done

no man. unnu need fi sort out unnu self. and when yu done now unnu complain bout how di place dem over crowded and how di staff swamped and use dat as an excuse fi have dutty attitude and provide piss poor service


branch out

realise that the country extends beyond portmore!

and do yu damn job and serve JAMAICA

rass man

tiyad a dis shit


8 Replies to “dear government of jamaica/jamaica constabulary”

  1. IS weh dis blerbadoes put the rest of my comment? 😡

    I was trying to say…

    I Honestly cannot believe you have to go through this 😦
    I would love to have thinked (<—Yes, I just made that up) That we were more advanced than that. I suppose that somewhere, Fred Flintstone is carving up the forms for you to fill out ಠ_ಠ

    1. i’m gonne carry dino with me into kingston
      and pebbles too, she needs a new hair bone. i just heard you can submit at a police station but it still takes twice as long as kingston. i’m not amused

  2. Seriously!! mi feel as disgusted by the situation as the writer, it nuh wright everyting yuh haffi run guh a kingston and for me as a westerner, people it hectic yuh haffi get up outa yuh bed so flipping early. yuh know wen yuh lef yuh yaah enuh a whole day ting. di government fi duh betta and trust mi , dem caah duh way betta. and mek di people dem weh a wok roun di counter smile more and duh dem wok fassa, di fassa dem move di fassa wi come outa dem face…….

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