you ever come home and realise the people in your house have been drinking without you?

(don’t ask me why but i am writing this in southern belle voice)

southern belle <–voice sample right here. high tech son!

so you walk in the doah and there are telltale signs of merriment in your salon

like empty wine bottles and mint julep glasses

and yoa friend are three sheets to the wind and talkin’ real loud and just glowing in the moonlight

you know how we get when that rum is in our system

and for some reason, you get real angry, like they done you wrong or somethin, like its a natural crime to drink without you?

now if you live at home with yoa parents ya may not know what i’m tawkin about

but if you are one of the many sluggin it out in a small apartment with two room mates and un-fulfilling job you know what i mean, and my hawt goes out to ya

i gets angry

i do

i feel as though they have turned their backs on me. like they done gone north and got a yankee accent and act like they don’t know about pickled pig’s feet no more

how dare you come home early, invite people over, and start having fun without me!

that is inconsiderate

and when i get there, the good wine is done, you’re now drinking the stuff from a box that tastes like battery acid but y’all too drunk to notice

i can’t start out with the battery acid. i’m a lady! i have to kill my tastebuds first!

and the appleton is done, and the meyers done come out

and the pepsi is done

and now we’re drinkin coke

i never drink coke, why didn’t anybody save a pepsi for me? y’all knew i was comin home. i live here. that is my bascho side table your drink is sittin on, without a coaster might i add.

and all of them are smiling, no care to the hard day you’ve just had

they’ve run the boat and eaten the corned beef right up and all that’s left is the onion skins and the dirty plates

i gets angry

there oughta be some kinda roommate law that says you can’t drink unless all parties are present or give consent for the party to proceed without them

that is just uncivil

now

some people ma think i’m havin conniptions for no reason but where i come from drinking is serious business

and you don’t make your friends have to drink the bad stuff sober

or make ’em have to be the only sober one when the debauchery has begun.

i’m no fun sober.

and i wanna be fun!

y’all is just ridiculous

i tell you what, i would turn on my heel and leave and see who calls pizza hut when y’all hungry in an hour. y’all know you can’t dial a phone intoxicated. i am the only one adept at drunk dialing

and you done ate all the bread

so what ya gon’ do now

every room mate can drink. every room mate must drink. no roomie left behind

the south will rise again!

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2 Replies to “you ever come home and realise the people in your house have been drinking without you?”

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