dear underwear – my sincere apologies

My mother has just now returned from a shopping trip to farrin
Of course this means new tings and barrel come and excitement and jubilation all around
For the only thing I like more than free tings
Is new free tings
Or better yet- new free tings my mother bought because she doesn’t shop at the american equivalent of mr chin (aka mr singh)
And actually purchases items not to be found on the sale rack

Anyways, so my mother has bought me new underwear because
A) I collect drawz like some people collect stamp or shoes or man
B)my underwear often just goes missing. I don’t leave them anywhere, nobody comes by to take them, but yet….gone
C)when she shop, she go from head to toe, never let it be said that her child is wanting, especially in the drawz department

This is where I pause to point out that my mother has such high hopes for me becoming a real woman or even a real girl some time soon
If I’m buying underwear I’m going for a neon coloured boy cut with bumble bees or anime characters on it
Or stars
Or puppies
Pretty much whatever you standard first grader would be attracted to (NOT that bitch hannah montana, never!!!!!)
My mother however purchases things like real sleep wear…u know for if you have company *wink wink*
And little shorts sets with lace
I wear my high school gym shorts and whichever merino is too bleached out/stretched out to go on the road
And yes

I wear that when I have company over. I figure you’re not there for my stunning array of sleep clothes

But
Being as I am single
I feel I should apologise to these fabulous lace thongs
And neon pink high cuts with ruffles at the front
And striped french looking creations with buttons and peep holes and all these things
For no one will ever see them
I feel they deserve a better home than I could ever give them
I am actually contemplating giving them to someone with an active sex life
Or who may at least get a chance to show them off before accidentally ripping them to shreds because they were pulling up the jeans and a ring got caught in the lace and they got flustered and pulled left when they shoulda gone right and the whole thing unraveled
I’m not saying this has ever happened to me
This is just a hypothetical!
But I think they deserve so much more than I can do for them
They deserve to be paired with high heels and push up bras
Or at least anorexic legs and a tank top cameron diaz style

 

They deserve this!

When they’re being revealed there should be music in the back ground and candles flickering
The most action they’ll see from me Is sliding along the ground as I crawl on my belly to try to put on some clothes before whoever has just showed up at my gate realises I’ve been walking around in my skivvies all day
The lucky pairs may get to watch me unsuccessfully try to pee in the bushes and pick up cow itch
I mean really
Their lives will be nothing like the picture on their packages
And I just wanna say…

I’m sorry
I’m not sexy
My mother hopes one day I’ll stop snorting when I laugh and maybe wear the colour red
But for right now…
I got nothin
But for the sake of my drawz
I will try
I will…
I will….
I will buy a red tank top and wear the panties with skinny jeans!

Yes, that’s the life they deserve!
Something fitted
Or…

Sigh
Even when me half naked me look like a dork
I’ll just wear them in the house on saturdays and try not to get cracker crumbs on them
And let that be that
But I will tell them they are pretty
And try to not wreck them in under a month
How dat sound?
Well is di only option dem have
Nex time dem see mummy a come dem crawl to di bottom a di bin

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