things that only happen to me…about my misshapen feet

i dont know if you know, but one of my feet is a full size bigger than the other. not like 5 and 6. 11 and 12 (pause while that settles in) yeh i’m a big hieffer.

moving on

so i’m in the land of sleet and snow and it came to my attention that my hundred dollar a pair flip flops may not be able to sustain me through the worst of it so i went shopping for shoes

*pause*

i buy shoes from payless

i buy shoes that are on sale

i buy shoes that are cheap enough that i can throw them away when the razors between my toes inevitably destroy them

from me a go a prep school and me modda a buy proper money shoes fimme, me never see a shoes weh can stand up to my foot dem yet! so me buy and dash weh caw nuttn cyaan last.

and please be reminded

MY FEET ARE HUGE

*unpause*

so of course now, me reach payless and all of the shoes dem are hideous

me mean

dem look like corrective shoes, or dem mek me foot look like when boat deh pon di ocean, or dem have fur

or one particularly stunning combination of all of the above

so me try all a di shoes dem inna di ooman section

and all a di one dem inna di man section

no luck

me all try on di casco ugg boots <–memba me national past time a laughing after people inna uggs

but me try dem on

no luck

anyways di store a lock, dem a  spread rumour seh temperature a drop to like 30 di next day, me nuh have nuttn but flip flops, me decide fi buy di one pair a shoes weh me can kinda work wid

they are sensible brown walking shoes with a 3/4 inch heel. loafer style. as in when yu see me yu feel yu fi get up and say good morning miss moore. and me fi say good morning class please take your seats and turn to page 15

me buy di boot and park it. gwaan a trod on wid me toe dem a freeze. rain fall. me say ok. shoes fi buss now

*pause*

memba say me foot dem nuh match. so when time come fi buy shoes is either me buy size 11 and di big foot get corn, or me buy size 12 and di likkle foot flap and slide outta di boot. tru di big foot really start look like acreage now and corn de pon it plenty me seh mek me buy di 12 and gi di big one a break

no me cyaan mix and match, di store people dem ketch on and start check fi dat

*unpause*

so me put on me boot now and me notice say small-y him have a likkle space issue but me seh him soon sekkle down. tek up bag and unbrella and run out now caw me late

*giant sigh*

so me walk so missa small-y him a flap

so di boot a drop offa me foot

me try push down di foot and curl up di toe dem fi mek dem hold on di boot…nuttn

me try kick back di foot so di heel brace up right pon di back a di boot. still a flap

big foot him a laugh cus  a di first in a long time me wear summn and fi him likkle toe nah graze

him a live free and wild. lone smile di big foot a smile

imagine it

one lone black woman

walking down the street

in the land of caucasia

in the rain

with har shoes a drop off

a draw her foot behind her and a stop every two minutes fi adjust boot

now yu know me mad fi tek off di boot and wak barefoot

but me hear rumour seh if yu walk barefoot through di student ghetto (yes ….student ghetto, let that sink in)

yu will ketch STD through yu foot bottom

so yu know weh me do

of course yu know

if you is a jamaican yu know weh me do

me bruk dung di back a di good good shoes and wear it like slippers go a di people dem class

bruck it right down

i doan feel no way

me late

and me nuh like reach class late

a me one in deh as black smaddy

me outstanding

when me walk inna class it look like dis

me dis bruck it dung and run and when me reach fronta di building me set it up back

and run go inna di bathroom go do din younger un-cool cousin of stuffing your bra

stuffing your shoe

roll off di toilet paper and shub it up inna di front and carry on wid my day

i who cares not

now

if anybody ever have any similar ordeal

please sen me a message

caw me feel alone and lonely

ALONE!

ugh

anyways

nex week me a go pon di website weh sell shoes fi drag queens and see wah me can sort out

caw sumting haffi gwaan

of to

*jacket*

*scarf*

*slippers*

out!

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5 responses

  1. My dear Carla aka “Miss Lou” my eyes welled up with tears of joy and sadness when I read this…this is the exact experience I had the other day, so much so that I KNEW that God must have smited me for my sins. I think He knows the best smiting for Danielle is embarrassment.

    Recently after spending a few days in NY this summer I strolled into Payless hoping that I would find them in a good season, cause Payless although being one of my favourite shoe stores to shop does have from time to time ugly seasons (hence the time you ended up buying your “teachers” shoes). Now in the store I realizedf this was not only a good season it was a fabulous one and proceeded to buy two hot shoes…tried them on, they fit fine…one pair was a little snug but I know how to work shoes like that. So I went ahead and run di plastic with guilt wrenching in my stomach just for these shoes. Back in JA mi unpack and so fast just to tek out these shoes, the highlight of ma shopping trip. Only to discover upon wearing one of them to work the next Monday that one foot too small and one foot too big. Wah dis?! Mchew…mi wear it anyway, by di time a reach home the side corner a mi foot run and blister till di skin puff up and turn white. Bandaids for the rest of the week. Now the other pair now, same ting but not so bad. Now confused and disappointed that my shoes turned against me in the space of a week I said something muss wrong with Payless shoes…cause one foot couldn’t grow lef di odder iin one week. So I say give it time, maybe is the weight I put on or just damn bad mek shoes. Confused.

    Feeling down about the decrease in swag stiletto level, I decided to boost it up by buying another pair of heels. I love heels and the recent mishap of events with my new “hot” heels sparked the need to try solve this mystery with me…is it the shoes or a mutation of my feet…certianly what would I do if its the latter!!

    Ok, so I found this hot yellow stilleto online, and when I saw it I said “yes, I’m gonna buy thias just for you, referring to a chick who I love to hate and feels the same way about me) normally I don’t say creepy, angry stuff like that in ma head but I did. And so I bought this new boot to prove back my swagger. The boots came and I wore them to church spanking new…was a little roomy but a padded up with not one but two insoles. Like a creepy horrow movie when the music starts to play and you know something gwe happen I realized the short walk from the car to the church was a little wabbly…too wabbly for comfort but a swing ma hips a little more to pull it off. That time I noticed the toes grabbing on to the fabric of the shoes for dear life to stay on. OK…made it inside the chair without anyone seeing that, took ma seat and sat down. Inner thougt “now if all I have to do is sit here till the service over and sneak out before it done and wabble back to the car, I can make it back home without anyone seeing me.” Bear in mind that “the girl” the samw one I bought the shoes just to show off was there…and the smiting began. Sitting there legs neatly crossed on the floor an usher came up to me and said “I’ll ask you to help carry up the gifts” anyone who is catholic or ever went to a catholic church knows what that is…a slow piuos strut to the altar and back down. Ok…”Its slow and prayerful as long as I take my time no one will notice” so I sighed heavily being put on the spot and said “OK”.

    The time came and I walked up slow….counting each step with the bread plate in my hand, each moment feeling like a lifetime…now we turn around empty handed to go back down the aisle, facing front the congregation looking forward at us..three of us all girls (yes all in heels). The walk started slow…me and another girl infront and a very scornful hypocrite at the back…the smiting came down like a bolt of lightning! The girls beside me started walking faster and a bit faster and trying to keep up I tried to step it up not to be left behind…congregation standing and singing and all eyes on us…the walk, the strut, the disaster. My shoes, the one on the “big foot” started to get loose, then I semi started walking out of it, then it was about to fly, fly and lik somebody in dem face, oh God please let my seat come to me…with every step the shoes behave even worst..no man! So the walking turn to wabbling…I don’t know how mi twist up mi foot so, but my arms started flying around like I was doing some kinda dancing twil while walking, the other girls looking quite normal and me along twirling and waddling…obviuos! Oh God! The seat cyaan reach yet, I started to panic and grabbed on to the bench right infront of mine and looked up just in time to see the sister of my rival peering down to see what was going on with me (now everyone is sitting) and she still standing just so she could see…now I knew it was that obvious…I sat down and bust into cold sweat in disbeleif that just happen to me! And of course hearing witchy excited laughter behind me coming from her and the chick walking behind me who saw the disaster and my image demise first hand mi KNOW! Ma new (expensive) shoes that was supposed to be the answer to my unswagging activity lately, and something worst happen! Oh God! How, how could you! And infront of them? The whole church and espeacially my frenemy!!! Now just before the service done slowly dragging ma foot to di car feeling like a smitten churchgoer, I laughed to myself. Now is it ma foot or the shoes, three pairs of shoes in a row? Never ever before this has happened. So with my recent physical changes I now still sizzling from my bolt of lightning knows that not only yes one foot either grow lef di odder or put on more weight dan di odder but it was also a life lesson. Doa try and pop style pon nobody, cause mi end up nearly pop mi gizaad not only infront of her and her friends but infront of a whole congregation. Lesson; God don’t like show off…and mi bright fi do it inna him house to…the smiting was harsher for me cause that’s not ma personilty, don’t know what get into me, smh…lesson learned, now after paying a whopping credit card bill for expensive shoes that don’t fit. I think this will be my last stiletto binge atleast till di nex foot ketch up! Sigh…

    • woiiii
      me laugh til me head hot me
      woiii
      no man
      smiting
      me know da voice deh enuh
      we one weh mek yu buy hot shoes fi spite people
      a=nd mek sure seh yu look extra cute
      and den from heaven above…a big ppile a humiliy
      me feel seh if yu nuh have a blog
      yu need one
      all when yu start matrix inn DI CHURCH
      yes
      blog fi you
      dis funny so til
      me laugh til me head hot me

  2. I swear, I haven’t laughed this hard in years. Mi mean wata a run down mi face and mi look like some girl inna horror mvie with mascara running down and mi have the sniffles. Girl I don’t know you from adams but you are a sista after my own heart. Keep writing, you have many silent readers out there and even if its at the expense of your own pain, you do bring a smile to our face.

  3. Wanted to drop a remark and let you know your Feed is not working today. I tried including it to my Bing reader account but got absolutely nothing.

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