and then you realise it’s been months since you’ve touched yourself

caw why?

all of a sudden me feel like di ugly girl inna di back a di dance because not even me waan touch miself

wah dis stand for

what is this for?

now, as you may or may not know. i have a healthy onanistic interest in myself <–see deh, onanistic enuh. once upon a time me woulda seh me love masturbate but now me just a fling word out deh and nah even check if dem exist

be that as it may

we proceed

yes. so. i do it a lot

but over the past few months i felt myself growing distant from myself

at first i thought it was normal. i was preparing to leave home for school. i was very busy. i was tired

basically the same excuses married people make when they realise they haven’t touched their partners in months, or worse, their partners haven’t touched them. i started rolling out the excuses to myself proper

myself accepted them

a next month past

me toys dem a gather dust

well not really. because they are in a zip lock bag, wrapped in a shirt, wrappped in a sweater at the bottom of a drawer. dust cyaan reach dem. yes all of that really is necessary and no i don’t think i’m going to extremes. yes it is a lot of work getting to them when i need them but i think of it as foreplay

but them a feel neglected and me can feel dem disapproval of this me-time free way of life

a next month pass

now me start feel like me a hold out pon miself. me a pass miself inna di mirror and a gi miself dutty eye because miself nah touch miself a night time

sometimes when me wake up and go inna di bathroom me just look pon miself and kiss me teeth to how me vex wid miself fi not even try a likkle leg rub down last night

me psyche separate inna two warring factions

and every body have every body up fi di lack of sex

i am now the site of a decaying marriage betwee myself and myself

mi left hand and mi right hand will not even meet in prayer

sometimes when me sad….me just leff miself fi cry

a night when me a go a me bed me not even hug up miself like one time

lone kiss teeth

and me lie dung flast pon me back

i begin to consider visiting bars, to get someone to …remedy the situation? *blush*

like outsourcing the job

because me just cannat work up enough of an interest in myself

i forego the bar idea because i realise i may not be rational, and i cannot take a blemish on my record

one ugly smaddy can haunt yu fi ever

and it takes years to get your record expunged

(the bitter part of myself whispers “it may be years before you touch me too, so hey, i guess we even”)

a next month pass

by dis time yu reach farrin. realise seh at least one smaddy will befriend yu. sekkle een

and the one day yu lie down inna yu bed and it dawns on yu

i have a computer and headphones- free porn

me room door can lock – no interruptions

me have two hand – (had to leave the toys at home because me a travel wid me modda and di last ting me want a fi di security scanner go see anyting mysterious and ask me fi open me bag and she dede and see all a me summn dem while vybz kartel freaky gyal start play pon cue)

and i have been neglecting myself

needless to say…

well if its needless to say me nah say it

but needless to say me and miself had quite a reunion and now we smile at ourselves in the mirror in the morning

to make it more romantic me did half draw the blinds fi gi miself mood lighting, and me never even turn on di computer

it was just us

and it was beautiful

so, to anybody out there, feeling a bit far from yourself. fear not. yourself is like a bird. you have to set it free. but if you get horny enough it will come back to thee. believe dat!

myself an di are going for breakfast now

perhaps we’ll come hom for funch <-nyuk nyuk nyuk. i slay me . ahhhh. happy in marriage again