so when yu mek di perfect human now…how me fi date

one of my students explained to me the other day that in a few years he and his science friends would be able to make the perfect human…he works in a genetics lab you see, and these types of things are discussed at the lunch counter

and for some reason, this made me afraid

now, not the kind of afraid you might expect

well…a  little

i had already had the- ‘is it even our place as humans’ to do this dilemma

and the – well whose standard of perfect are we using here, there are deeper issues that need to be addressed outrage

but this time around i started thinking about a strange thing- dating

yes, dating.

no matter how much we say we want to date the perfect person, have you ever stopped to think what you actually find attractive and more importantly how we , especially Jamaicans, re-interpret ‘imperfections’ to our benefit?

me have a bredren and di only ting him waan date a ‘ugly’ girl wid big batty. dats all. nuhbody else nah even turn him head

me personally like people wid funny lookin teeth some kinda lisp and if dem a left hand pampie is a flawless victory

me know  a nex fren weh only date long mawga people and di two a dem can start bush fire inna bed

now…if the scientists do indeed manage to create the perfect human

(and me know we nuh haffi REALLY fret bout dis because di technology nah reach di ‘third world’ til well after we dead….although them love test out things pon di third world, so we might be marching on to di zion of perfection sooner than we think)

but i digress.

if they do manage to create the ‘perfect human’ and we can imagine it would look something like paris hilton with smaller feet, what dat a go mean fi di res a we? and how di dating ting a go work inna dis new era?

yu ever stop fi think bout wah yu really find attractive? look pon who yu a date now… resist the urge to tell yourself that you overlook their imperfections because you love them. just think bout who yu a date, or who yu used to date (single people link up at the bar!) and wonder if the ‘imperfections’, di tings dem weh yu fren dem woulda laugh yu to scorn if dem know yu like dem…if a nuh some a dem deh mek yu tek up wid di smaddy inna di first place?

*pause while yu think*

seeit deh

yu secretly like man wid knock knee and yu appreciate di likkle mustache yu girlfren have a di side. it cute when it get wet and start show.


yu like dem

and inna Jamaica now there is no such thing as imperfection because we are public relations masters of our own bodies

knock knee- me pum pum tight

bow leg – pum pum fat and a brace it out, plus me walk cute (bear in mind inna Trinidad everybody foot straight caw if it show one sign a bow dem lash it up and tek out di bend long time). and everybody know when man have bow leg dat mean him a star footballer. pele pele!

big lip -dat mean me kiss good…an odda tings too

gap teeth- me feel we nuh need fi discuss di gap

fat- good fi di cuddlin and can brace and me nah dead fi starvation easy

mawga- can bend up inna s like a small tree limb and me easy fi lift up and carry

wah again?

head picky picky- no hairdresser me have money inna bank

skin ‘too’ dark – di blacker di berry di sweeter di juice


wah yu can really tell we fi mek we feel bad bout weself? eeh? wah

so me waan know wah a go happen now when di new generation come and dem nuh have nuttn special bout dem fi set dem apart

how yu a go date?

me go a one school right now where 75% of the undergraduate population look like di same smaddy. them have on black leggings. ugg looking boots and a school sweater. bwoy dem have on sweat pants, sneakers, school sweater and hat turned to di back or side. all when dem a come outta di house together a day time nobody nuh stop and say ‘tan, den nuh di same summn we have on…mek me go put on di blue’. no dem saddle up dem sampata and gone a road

me cyannat tell one from di odda and nuttn nuh jump out an ketch me attention

now imagine a world where all a di teeth and skin a di same ‘quality’ <—yes, imagine dat word but widout di value judgment

now people a nuh di same colour…but dem jus buil di same

weh me fi do wid dat?

me cyaan date under these conditions

no no

look here

dis need fi sort out

caw me nuh know a who a decide perfect

but perfect fi me have buck teeth and slight acne, unnu stop frig wid me dating pool



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