Jamaicans at Christmas aka craben neva postpone

Merry Happy Christma-Hanuk-Kwanzaa-Kah to all <–unnu nah accuse me a being culturally insensitive. no unnu shall not. and to them that don’t celebrate…happy sunday. and fi dem that is emo…saaaad face

anywho. as you may well know…since they have been playing the carols since october, it’s Christmas. And from my own plenty years of observation i realise there is a certain way Jamaicans approach Christmas dat I doan see odda people have. Now, i would say neyga people of african heritage, but me come fi realise seha dis likkle patch a land tun everybody inna di best a yuletide wanga gut.

So here is a short list of things that i have found Jamaicans do at Christmas….now, may i mention, dat some people (nah call nuh name) d0 these things on any given sunday, but me a try pretty up di ting fi it nuh sound bad

onwards!

1) tek wash out in preparation for the dinner <—me KNOW fi a fact say castor oil sales shot up inna di week preceding Christmas and yu cyaan tell me nuttn. not to mention say sincle bible (aloe vera) cyaan find dung a market

2)go pon diet <–not because dem a watch figure, literally dem a starve demself so dem will have more space fi di dinner

3)skip breakfast and lunch <–who need dem? dem deh nuh important. di ham nah ready fi dem time deh (my apologies to all vegetarian, rastafarian and any odda arian but a TRENTON me seh from now til death do we part. only part me nah nyam a di grunt and di rope weh dem tek tie di hog…and if di rope drop een and it season goood…who am i to judge?)

4) Go church<–and me mean di most a heathen. and yu can tell dem enuh, caw di summn dem weh dem have on either nuh church appropriate or dem smell like di backa  di closet weh dem a heng up since di last funeral. di collar kinda brownish and some likkle termite dust lookin summn deh pon di shoulder caw dem come een bleary eyed from party di night before and never have time fi run inspection.

so dem well febreeze it and run een. me nuh know a wah we feel like, apparently God nah look pon all a di odda rest a day dem weh dem nuh go, Christmas one God tek register…oh and pon new years. mussi beadle unnu have and classroom monitor caw a cuddn God unnu a try fool so, like yu wan yu fren tek har left hand sign yu name and God a go tink yu did dede all dis time.

5)go pon nyammin tour <–now, the politically correct term for this is ‘visiting’ but we all know dem nuh really dede fi di fellowship. a di food. who cook di best pork get visit fus, who can only do chicken deh a di last. but nuh fret, everybody a get a visit and dem a go siddung long enough fi di food digest (hence di ‘visiting’) before dem belch, tek up dem slice a cake weh wrap up inna di foil and move on to dem next destination. them who cyaan cook…nuh even stray dog a stoop fi say hi. lonely christmas to you.

6) me a go sum up da one yah inna a single sentence/philosophy ‘the more i eat the less i have to pack away. it’s less stress on the fridge’ <–yu know when people done eat from 4pm and leff out di food til all 9? so everybody can walk roun and shake down di bikkle and come again? all in a bid to make it easier pon di poor likkle fridge? when unnu did a buy up di hundred pound a ham and di 25 lb a green gungo fi freeze til such time unnu nein a tink bout fridge-ey den though? all of a sudden unnu grow conscience. dats nice eeh? is like a competition. who only eat one dinner deh a last. who eat all three and four a build podium fi medal themself.

7) get up from di table fi shake down food and come back fi finish <–if me tell yu di mount a people me actually see get up and jump (moderate jumping. di vigorous jumpin wi mek tings rurse, a word to di wise is sufficient. mek my experiences benefit yu!) and come back come siddung like we still supposed to look pon dem wid respect. when me a jump me either claim say me a go bathroom and jus walk dung a hall go skip to ma lou or bawl seh me tiyad a sorrel me waan water and go shake fronta di fridge. me klazzy wid my tings.

8) put rum inna everything- cake, sorrel, mannish water if it cook. come christmas di entire table turn inna one big cover fi a rum bar. yu nuh find it strange? farriner put rum inna dem turkey? <–ps, if a fi me alone turkey stay yah multiply til we haffi tun dem inna household pet caw dem plentiful more dan stray dog. me nuh have one word fi say to dat overgrown chicken. tough like. and me know when it deep fry it juicy…but still. him can tan dede. i doan see him. him luddier dan me.

awrite di neygaritis ethnic fatigue tun up inna me caw me jus go eat me second dinner *silver medal for me* so me a go drink anodda ice cold sorrel, wash it dung wid some water and go a me bed aka go watch pirate movie (hope police nuh read dis)

blessings to you and yours from mooretalkja

memba fi vote caw me nominated fi jamaica blog award inna best personal blog and blog post of the year. vote once a day every day!

and walk good wid a belly full…oh, and memba dem weh have less dan we and do weh yu can fi help dem.

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