dear woman at the tax office

Firstly,
Thank you
For most grudgingly loaning me your pen
Secondly
Having a pen does not make you God
Me nuh know weh kinda prep/primary school experience yu did have
Or if yu was di one girl who did figget her #2 HB pencil a common entrance and nobody nein waan lend yu and teacher haffi run go down a shop go buy one fi yu, and if a dat mek yu bitter wid yu stationery so
Or maybe you daddy did have wholesale and a you did end up haffi a supply di whole class
But dis gall-ishness cyannat gallang
Imagine me go inna di ppl dem tax office fi renew me likkle license. All haffi forfeit one year because me a renew early tru me nah go de yah.
And me nuh have no pen
So me see di ooman side a me and me put on me nicest fellow jamaican smile and say ‘excuse me can I borrow your pen when…’
She: *terse voice* I’m using it. ugh!*turns around and rolls eyes*
Me: but a wah do da likkle jungle beast yah?!
Clearly me can see say yu a use di pen
Yu have it clutch up inna yu claw a draw letter
Me figget me pen
Me nuh blind nor eediat
But tru me waan borrow di pen me dis smile and complete me sentence weh she cut me off… ‘when you are finished’
In a bid to not clap har and forfeit access to di pen me dis tek it to me bb in prayer

She done write and shub di pen unda me nose not even a hih! Or seeit yah dawg! <–why is this always a ting fi jamaicans? Yu know how much time me hear people a say ‘yu come and cuddn even tell me hi dog’ me a say how di dog drop een? Why di dog haffi get di dutty end a di ting?

Me graciously tek it and write me information. Tell har tanks and gi har back.
Same time one poor unsuspecting innocent come ask fi borrow har pen. Mussi never see di big eff off print inna har face.
She sigh like she woulda waan blow dung all a tax office and grudgingly hand over di pen
As if all di eye rolling and pus coloured aura that was around her wasn’t enough she a go holla out to one a di worker dem
‘Could you puh-lease put out some pens’

Di ooman politely tell her say when dem put dem out dem missin
Me coulda tell her dat
Yu ever go inna di bank and see di long chain a rubber band fava chiney skip weh dem have a hold on to di pen dem?
Or when dem have di long helluva rope tie pon it like a supermarket box
Or print out message weh say ‘this is lisa’s pen do not steal’ and the Bible verse backa it

My question is dis- yes me know me wrong fi come a tax office widout pen
But she know she can say no?
She can tell me she nah lend me enuh.
She can tell me say a har granny dead leff and mama tell her say she nuh fi mek nobody touch har $30 papermate medium point black pen <– me nah shade papermate, or cheap keepsakes. Paper mate a my brand and me ever bruk but she too whatsit whatsit gwaanie gwaanie and nah even do di ting right

And u know me figgat fi write summn pon di form and go right back to har go borrow?
Of course
Widout remorse
If she feel say caw a fi har pen she can keep me way from it
She bright!
Me dis borrow it and write wid a flourish all double dot di I dem

And den me say no it look bad
So di nex form me get me go outta door go pitch like johncrow pon one nedda ooman
Poor ooman
She a but 4ft 11
When she see di whole a my length and breadth a loom ova her me see her  me see like she ketch har fraid
When me ask fi di pen me know she hear fee fie fo fum
Anyways
Me nuh bodda ask broomhilda agen

Di moral of di story is dis

No
Is a word
Use it
Nuh bodda give grudgingly fi mek ppl feel bad
Caw me fi one nah feel no shame

me nuh have shame tree, shrub or even blade a grass
So yu a nyam up yuself like piranha fi nuttn
It nuh mek sense yu a do good deed wid bad attitude
As me say
Tanks again
And enjoy yu day
Effin jungle beast

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