things i like about Jamaicans

the background music in them voicemail

now i know that digicel did tink dem was innovative wid in tunes

and lime feel dem did a tek life wid bling back

but dem late to di party and need fi pay homage

from me know myself me know say music and phone call mus’ boun’ and compoun’ fi go togedda

yu tink a one and two smaddy me help set up voicemail soundtrack?

caw dem can do it alone enuh, but dem nuh waan haffi a press press up button and all dese tings and den dem cyaan get di right voice

so dem hire on a prentice….me….fi do di labour and dem just provide di talent

it go summn like dis

dem: di tape cue up?

me: yeah

dem: and it deh a di part weh seh ‘i’m not’?

me: yeh man…hold on….*presses play* *listens* *realises it’s not at the right place* *takes cassette out of tape deck*

*goes for #2 pencil*

(all dis time di smaddy weh a record di voice mail siddung deh pon vocal rest nah talk nor move caw dem haffi preserve di voice fi di ‘show’. likkle most dem put on scarf and start drink honey tea.  dramatic yah!)

*inserts pencil into cassette and manually rewinds til i find the marking i’ve made on the tape reel to tell me where to start*

*puts cassette back into tape deck*

*with mister miyagi like dexterity presses play and pause simultaneously so di tape cue but nuh move*

*congratulates self on cat like stealth and agility*

ready now

dem: arite, me a go do a countdown, when me point pon yu, press play

me: ok, gwaan

dem: *clear throat and hold neck*  shhhhh, ok, 5, 4, 3, 2 *mouths the word one* <–a wah yu never know yu deh pon film set or inna recording studio?

me: *gently releases pause button so you don’t hear the click*

karyn white: iiiiiii’m not youurrrrr super woman, oh no no no, i’m not the kind of girl that you can let down (don’t let me down, don’t you let me down) and think that everything’s ok, buy i am only humaaaannnnn (i’m only hu-hu hu huuuuuuman)

me: *gracefully, slowly and with much talent lowers volume on cassette*

dem: *smile and put on dainty voice* hi, you’ve reached lisa, i’m sorry i can’t take your call right now but if you leave your name, number and a brief message i’ll call you back as soon as i possible. thanks

me: *stylishly increases volume* (like a boss!)

karyn:  i’ll always be there for you, through good and bad times, but i can’t be that super woman that you want me to be <—yes man yu always use di end part a di song weh di artist dem a get weh inna di likkle singin

dem: *click*

we: *jump up and down like eediat because we jus do summn wonderful

and please don’t feel is a ooman ting because all a di kevin, dwayne and michael dem was happily starting off dem voicemail wid either garnett silk, or ‘that girl is pppoooiiisssoonnnnn’ or better et “i-hif i, shu-hould stay, i would only be in your waayyyyyyyyyy, so i go, but i know, i’ll think of you every step of the way-hee heeeeeee, cus iiiiiiiiiii willl always, love youuuuuuu”, “yow, dis is kevin…..”

fooliniss never postpone

so while we undastan deh it nice fi lissen di likkle music while yu a wait fi di people dem ansa

try know seh a nuh nuttn new dat to we

we set up recording studio and factory when time we a sawt out we voicemail

supposed to!

*turns up track*

mama, you gave li-hife to mayyyy, turned a babayyy into a laydaayyyyyyy

(oh, and caw me know di song stuck inna yu head now……enjoy. lol)

 

early in the morning i put breakfast on your table…..PPEERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!