things i avoid saying to (SOME) men*…

*some men, because i know not all men are like this. before me get trace

…because i know where it will lead

1) any reference to my pet cat

because this will almost necessarily lead to some thinly veiled discussion about pussy. As a matter of fact I try not to use the word cat, feline, puss, kitty, kitten, or anything along those lines while men are in the room because i just can’t stand the feeling of disappointment when they react in the same way and start staring at my crotch. when they offer to stroke my pussy and ask if it is soft, and furry, and if it will purr when they stroke it, all i can do is imagine a world where you got a gun when you buss breast.

2) any references to rain or water

because they will begin discussions about me being wet. as in

me: mi God, me just get trap inna rain storm

him: oh, so you’re all wet

me: (considers braving lightning to get away from this bullsh*t) yeh

him: oh, i was hoping i would be the one to make you wet

me: (i’m shorter than most trees, maybe the lightning wuddn lick me)

him: but now yu mek di rain wet yu up and tek weh me opportunity…are you wet ALL OVER?

me: (thinking) yu know sey all now dis battyhole nuh offer me a towel, likkle white rum fi wet up me head, or a warm place fi siddung.

him: (looking pleased)

me: (walks out into hurricane)

3)any reference to sausages, bananas or other phallic shaped objects, especially foods

because they will inevitably react like 10 year olds and start snickering

if enough women have given the Oscar worthy performances and they believe them big inna dem pants

they will begin to make subtle references to the length of their banana, and how its more like a plantain. or better yet, some combination of the term jerk and sausage. i suppose all the almost references are supposed to make my ‘cat’ all ‘wet’. mostly i zone out and think about prep school (since these men are clearly still students there) and how me miss di bag juice dem weh dem used to cut inna half and sell we

getting wet its not that amazing. its something that goes with the territory. and once and for all. SAYING THE WORD WET TO US DOES NOT MAGICALLY MAKE US WET!

4) any reference to fatness/phatness

because it will go down one of two very bad roads

road 1- the man takes it as an invitation to call me heavy sex and describe in detail what he wants to do to me. and how he’s slept with women my size before so him know weh fi do wid big ooman. this may be accompanied by him miming lifting my (clearly 300lb) leg over his shoulder

road 2- he covertly begins to ask me if my p*mp*m phat. perhaps referencing how my pants are fitting or some shadow he thinks he sees in my skirt. better yet he will explain that the reason him nuh sleep wid mawga gyal is dem p*m p*m mawga and fat ooman fat all over. does my vagina know you? no. WELL DEN LEFF IT OUTTA DI CONVERSATION

 

Usually while anyone of these scenarios plays out, and the men are busy licking their lips, winking, or genkly shubbing out dem pelvis like me cyaan see, i imagine i am a unicorn dancing on a cloud. or what i would do if i had a hammer and better aim, or a world where men had some goddamn sense.

now, me nuh mind a man a tell me say me look nice, or even sehme sexy

Lord knows when yu deh farrin and yu a step down di street inna yu hottest clothes and nobody even fawt pon yu, is a lonely time

me appreciate when people can show appreciation fi one anedda

but unless yu certain seh me waan yu, as in me TELL yu seh me waan yu, please nuh bodda tell me wah yu waan do to me

dat come een like yu a rape me ears

give us women a break

sometimes talking to men is like a friggin minefield. yu haffi a dodge all kinda tings caw dem a go tek it and tun it inna nastiness

sometimes by dem done me jus waan go home go bathe, watch golden girls and bawl

 

 

men of the world, get your shit together.

me sure yu mumma teach yu how fi talk to oooman

now woulda be as good a time as any to try it