things i avoid saying to (SOME) men*…

*some men, because i know not all men are like this. before me get trace

…because i know where it will lead

1) any reference to my pet cat

because this will almost necessarily lead to some thinly veiled discussion about pussy. As a matter of fact I try not to use the word cat, feline, puss, kitty, kitten, or anything along those lines while men are in the room because i just can’t stand the feeling of disappointment when they react in the same way and start staring at my crotch. when they offer to stroke my pussy and ask if it is soft, and furry, and if it will purr when they stroke it, all i can do is imagine a world where you got a gun when you buss breast.

2) any references to rain or water

because they will begin discussions about me being wet. as in

me: mi God, me just get trap inna rain storm

him: oh, so you’re all wet

me: (considers braving lightning to get away from this bullsh*t) yeh

him: oh, i was hoping i would be the one to make you wet

me: (i’m shorter than most trees, maybe the lightning wuddn lick me)

him: but now yu mek di rain wet yu up and tek weh me opportunity…are you wet ALL OVER?

me: (thinking) yu know sey all now dis battyhole nuh offer me a towel, likkle white rum fi wet up me head, or a warm place fi siddung.

him: (looking pleased)

me: (walks out into hurricane)

3)any reference to sausages, bananas or other phallic shaped objects, especially foods

because they will inevitably react like 10 year olds and start snickering

if enough women have given the Oscar worthy performances and they believe them big inna dem pants

they will begin to make subtle references to the length of their banana, and how its more like a plantain. or better yet, some combination of the term jerk and sausage. i suppose all the almost references are supposed to make my ‘cat’ all ‘wet’. mostly i zone out and think about prep school (since these men are clearly still students there) and how me miss di bag juice dem weh dem used to cut inna half and sell we

getting wet its not that amazing. its something that goes with the territory. and once and for all. SAYING THE WORD WET TO US DOES NOT MAGICALLY MAKE US WET!

4) any reference to fatness/phatness

because it will go down one of two very bad roads

road 1- the man takes it as an invitation to call me heavy sex and describe in detail what he wants to do to me. and how he’s slept with women my size before so him know weh fi do wid big ooman. this may be accompanied by him miming lifting my (clearly 300lb) leg over his shoulder

road 2- he covertly begins to ask me if my p*mp*m phat. perhaps referencing how my pants are fitting or some shadow he thinks he sees in my skirt. better yet he will explain that the reason him nuh sleep wid mawga gyal is dem p*m p*m mawga and fat ooman fat all over. does my vagina know you? no. WELL DEN LEFF IT OUTTA DI CONVERSATION

 

Usually while anyone of these scenarios plays out, and the men are busy licking their lips, winking, or genkly shubbing out dem pelvis like me cyaan see, i imagine i am a unicorn dancing on a cloud. or what i would do if i had a hammer and better aim, or a world where men had some goddamn sense.

now, me nuh mind a man a tell me say me look nice, or even sehme sexy

Lord knows when yu deh farrin and yu a step down di street inna yu hottest clothes and nobody even fawt pon yu, is a lonely time

me appreciate when people can show appreciation fi one anedda

but unless yu certain seh me waan yu, as in me TELL yu seh me waan yu, please nuh bodda tell me wah yu waan do to me

dat come een like yu a rape me ears

give us women a break

sometimes talking to men is like a friggin minefield. yu haffi a dodge all kinda tings caw dem a go tek it and tun it inna nastiness

sometimes by dem done me jus waan go home go bathe, watch golden girls and bawl

 

 

men of the world, get your shit together.

me sure yu mumma teach yu how fi talk to oooman

now woulda be as good a time as any to try it

 

 

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14 responses

  1. AMEN! Worst part sooo many of them think that because them call to you, as a woman you have fallen instantly in lust and want dem….heaven help you if you ignore the hot air that f*rt pass you (that’s how I treat them πŸ™‚ ) For you it’s the fat/phat, with me its the height! I have been climbed so many time now I have a complex- mi mussi luk like tree!
    Sometimes it can be amusing other times … I resist the urge to claut dem a b*tch lick (hit)!

    • doan!? me life mus look lonely bad. because you are nice enough fi say yu like me, nuh mean me mus like yu back.
      inna my mind yu nuh really waan gimme di compliment yu jus a try buy yu way inna me baggy
      of dem waan climb yu like tree
      steups
      low lying ones are di worst

  2. FULLY ENDORSED!!!
    GURL……Talk di tings!
    You forgot the one about telling them rain is falling, then they suggest it is cuddling and or F*%&ing weather and they want to come over.
    When it is raining, I want to sleep…if any horniness arises, I can take care of it myself…THANK YOU.
    The WORSE part…is when you don’t go along with their sexual advances they sometimes nuff enuff to seh start suggesting that maybe you are a lesbian for not throwing yourself at them. -_-
    Is maturity such a scarce resource?
    When it did a gi out, dem never get none?

    Once again, another good read Carla πŸ˜€

    • what is it wid de and any water reference? is like yu cannat reference liquid inna dem presence
      lolololol @i can take care of it myself
      lolol
      and afterwards yu nuh haffi gi nuhbaddy sandwich to hell
      yessss
      di second yu nuh jump inna dem draw yu a lesbian
      kmt to raws

  3. So very true….. I try to avoit those same words when around our Jamaican men

    PS… I am not a Blastid cat ….nor am I a description for a bag of Marshmellows, so stop calling Fluffy and if you are a grown man losing air by the mouth (PSSSSSSSSSST) let me show you to the nearest gass station so that you get a patch real fast.

  4. LOL!! I enjoyed your blogs soooooooooooooooooo much and you hit the nail on the head EVERY time ^.^ && the comments have me LOLing (Y) && There is this annoying habit they have of asking what you have on or is wearing… Ugh!!

  5. I get more depressed when it’s men calling out to me who I have 0 attraction to. Men, you depress some of us. Or you’re on public transportation and they’re staring you down. Why you though? Couldn’t be Idris Elba seated staring me down? Never his type. .I kid..but seriously

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