of like, love, in love and living without ‘the one’

the fact that you like someone doesn’t mean you should love them
the fact that you love someone doesn’t mean you should be in love with them
and the fact that you’re in love with someone doesn’t mean you should be with them.

now, this is not a discussion about what you can do. you can do anything you want.
this is a discussion about what we think we must do and how we drag ourselves and the people around us (because friends lose many hours comforting us through self inflicted heartache) through in the name of love.

you like somebody. yes. unnu get along. perfectly. can siddung and watch TV fi a whole day and nuh fight over remote or murmur seh di odda one a change di channel too fast. yes! i love them!
do you? or are you just compatible? There is a space in your life Β for people with the type of plumbing you’re generally attracted to who aren’t your partner…they’re called friends. and some liking is just friend liking. no matter how strong it is.
stop trying to sleep with your potential best friends.

so you love them. yes. call them first when things happen. know dem have yu back. its wonderful. yes! i’m in love with them!
well i have the same relationship with my mother, it doesn’t mean i’m in love with her or that i should try to be.
loving is natural. its what humans do. we will love many people in our lives. love, or even better, a combination of love and like, does not naturally lead to in love nor should you try to push yourself there. allow yourself to feel what you feel. again. friendship will not kill you. but trying to make yourself feel something you really don’t, that might drive you crazy

and finally, the big one, you’re in love
nowadays most kinds of love pale in comparison to the importance we accord to ‘in-love’. If in-love was a company, it would be a fortune 500 company powered by Apple. The PR is great and stocks are up.
So, almost naturally, when people see something that can make the upgrade from love to in-love, they run with it.
And when they get to or find themselves in love its assumed the world will stop and allow us to get on with the business of being in love. unfortunately, the world could care less, and given a little time and thought…we may care less as well.

you’re in love. want to spend every waking moment with the person. you start bandying about words like soul mate and forever. you haven’t seen your friends in months. you’ve gained seven pounds from eating and cuddling on the couch and you’re feeling no pain.
catastrophe strikes


you find out they’re in a relationship
or they have to leave the country, or you have to leave the country
their family forces them into some kind of semi-arranged marriage
their feelings seem to change though every time you look into their eyes you ‘just know’ they still want to be with you
for whatever reason the universe will not obey your directive (now bordering on tantrum) and allow you to be together
what do you do?
devote days, hours, years even, to wondering why.
appeal to the Gods, Goddesses and the person to re-think it
hate on their partner and believe with all your heart that they’re unhappy despite evidence to the contrary
sabotage all your future relationships because you’re hell bent on believing that person was the one
better yet, place a ban on all relationships because ‘love hurts’ and you can’t bear the pain
obsess over the person
engage in a toxic friendship with the person

and why? because the one you have will never compare to the one that got away
because while we know we can live with most things we don’t believe we can live with ‘that’

‘that’ being loving a person and not making a life with them

and because we’re a little spoiled
it sounds harsh
but it’s true. people live without arms, legs, eyes.
people live without regular access to food and water
live without parents and children who have either passed away or have just stopped communicating with them
they don’t survive, they live, thrive
but we have convinced ourselves that if we can’t be with ‘the one we love’ we just will not be able to survive

why?

because they make me happy.

someone else will make you happy

but not like that.

true. that’s very true, but they can make you happy differently

that’s the happiest i’ve ever been

yes…i know…and its hard to walk away from that. but think about it this way…before you met them, you didn’t know you could be that happy…suppose they’re not the limit. suppose there’s someone who can top that?

i don’t think there is any happier i could be and if there is i don’t want it because its not with that person.
stop right there and listen to what you just said….so its not that you don’t think you could be happy again, its just that you’ve fixated on that person and now you want your toy. my toy!

well…no its not that…

what is it?

i love them! Jesus Christ is that so hard for you to understand? I love them, i like them, i’m in love with them. we’re so compatible it hurts. And when you love a person like that you just don’t get over them. Maybe you’ve never been in love like this but this is true, its real. Real love you don’t just get over.

I know, i’ve been there. and i know when its real you don’t just get over it. It hurts and you’re miserable and no one else can compare and you just wish they’d open their eyes and see, or that whatever forces are keeping your apart would give it a rest. That countries could be closer….you don’t just get over it. but it doesn’t mean you can’t ever get over it.

…i guess

i mean. i know it hurts more because they’re not dead. they’re alive but the universe conspires against you…which is worse. you can see but can’t touch

exactly!

but if that’s where things are…why not see what you can do for yourself while they’re there? start moving, start dealing with it and processing. try to just stop hurting for a little. balance yourself a little. if you truly love someone and you’re ‘meant to be’ even when you’re done moving on…if they return you’ll find a new way to love each other. if you’re meant to be

…i suppose

so you should move forward bravely. your being together is not dependent on you staying in this state of limbo forever, not if you’re meant to be

…but what if i move too far

you can’t move too far from the person you’re meant to be with. if you do either you weren’t meant to be or you’ll come back

but i don’t want to start again, i don’t want to love anybody else

did Usain know he could kill at the 100M a few years ago?

i hardly think that’s relevant

did he?

no

no. he didn’t. he was happily slaying the 200m thinking that was the best he could be until one day he tried the 100 and suddenly ran the world right?

yes

so suppose this last one was your 200…you’re great at it, but there’s something a little different that you could be equally good at, or even better

i’m not a runner

no, but you are running from the truth

well, there is this one person at work….

-end-

and so it goes. it’s not that we usually can’t find someone else to be interested in, we block it. we stop ourselves from healing and moving on because we obstinately want that one thing. we want to be with that person because we’re in love with them. but as (i hope) you can see, its not a given that you will be with every person you’re in love with and not even really necessary.
you can live without them. you are living without them. you’re not dead and won’t be unless you do it to yourself.

so, while i know that being in love is enticing. relationships seem more exciting than friendships. relationships should be based on friendships. and we like to promote like to love and love to in love….hold on to your friendships. be honest with yourself about how you really feel about a person before jumping into their mouth and stop selling yourself and your romantic capabilities short. they’re the best you’ve known so far. there may be better. maybe not. maybe that was you’re ‘one’. but either way, there will be people who come close enough for you to not know the difference
and again i say, what you have will never compare to what you dream about so that’s not even a fair competition.

now i know some of you are looking at me like this

(well only the ones that don’t know me because the people that do know i’m a love-o-holic)

i believe in the madness of love. i believe in the power of love and i believe love makes people do crazy things, the craziest of all being that it makes them brave. but i also believe in the power of the human mind and our ability to adapt.

self preservation is an innate urge, but often we tell ourselves about the power of love and then we choose to override our impetus to protect ourselves in the name of love. its a choice we make. and its time we stop. love yourself. be in love with yourself. fix the things about yourself you don’t like instead of needing someone to love them and validate them. or learn to love them yourself.

love is lovely. but so are we. sometimes we must choose ourselves.

please
tanks
bye

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9 responses

  1. First of all… I love the way you write! Reads like the conversation that goes on in my head sometimes. Haha

    Secondly, this struck a chord with me because I’ve been having this battle for QUITE some time! Then I read something else you wrote recently about finding yourself amazing instead of waiting for someone to find you amazing (sumn like dat) and a light bulb lit up. I’ve spent way too much time beating myself up about the “one that got away” and subsequently trying to find people and things to fill the space left in my life after that (7 year) relationship ended. I’ve found that spending time evaluating myself and getting right with myself has been soooo much more valuable than pining over spilt milk. Love is a losing game… If we choose to keep score, but it’s a part of life. Better will come. Even if it’s in the same hardware of “the one”- with new, improved, upgraded software.

    Thanks Carla

    • THANKS!!!!
      oh its so true…we all get caught up in these cycles ad its so tempting to stayy in them…cus theyre familiar
      but counterproductive
      sighments…while we’re in
      but reehhhhments when we’re out
      stay up mang
      and so glad to hear ur on the love urself path
      so mcuh years we sink inna dese tings
      no more i say

  2. Wow your a beautiful writer and a beautiful woman real talk!

    There are many reasons why people want to be in a relationship. Lonliness, social conveience, sexual desires, societal duty and mutual gradification are the weak and artifical foundations in which sadly a lot of relationships are built upon. Our pain and dissappoint in “Love” is not about not finding someone to love us or keeping a love that we lost but the ability to share our love with another.
    We have all that we need within us but the pain of not sharing our love is the most devestating of all.
    Being a whole person without self interest or hidden intentions will bring about love and honesty in our daily walk in life. Those of like kind can not help but be attracted to it.

    Love is an art. Its not a fanciful emotion or a romantic ideal. It a real eternal creative energy that manifest itself through the action of LOVING.

    – Yusaia

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